It’s been quite some time since I’ve done this.

I’m just gonna write what’s been going on in my mind lately. The past few days…weeks.. crazy.

So I turned 21 on Sunday. It’s still weird, I picture my life completely different at this age. Not saying I’m not satisfied with where I am in life right now, but I truly am scared with what the universe/God has planned. I know what my plans were, what they are.. I think?

It’s not difficult, I’m not one to complain but when the only true person you trust is still finding them-self. You can’t relate to them so much. I know the road traveled is a lonely one. Yes, I do believe in relationships. I don’t have that one friend though. One that gets me for me. Sure the one I love does understand me. She understands a lot to be quite honest. But I don’t know. I don’t trust any sort of bond anymore.

Some of the closest ones I call family don’t bother staying in contact.

Normally, I don’t show any emotions towards stuff like that.
I’m very objective when it comes to emotions infact,
But truthfully, frankly, I can’t help it. I’m human.
Blocking out the emotions will just make for difficult times ahead with myself as a whole. Which isn’t something I should worry about.
I haven’t been expressing myself.
Through my writing, or my craft. It’s summer time there’s so much that can be done to start shifting momentum.

You know when you pedal a bike, the more you pedal the more you’ll be able to freely just go with the wind? It’s a beautiful feeling. The wind against your skin, your legs flowing clockwise on the pedals. passing by the scenery behind you.
The fact that you pushed so hard on those pedals.
That’s what life is like I feel; two pedals. Our legs represent our effort.

I haven’t been on a bike in a while to say the least.
Who’s fault is that though?
Nobody else’s but mine.
My body is getting older.
I’ve begun to gain weight.
I REFUSE  to fall back to the way I was back in california.
Lonely. Nothing to do. I have no excuses. I can get up to go do something.
I have who I need and I got what I want.
And yet.. I somehow want more.
Greed?
Possibly.
But I’m not trying to be selfish with what I have.
I want to share it.
I’m going to share it.
Do I want my child to ask me why I didn’t do what I set out to do in my life?
I’ve made enough arterial-motives.
Enough is enough.

I woke up when that child asked Achilles; “The man, he is bigger than anyone I’ve ever seen!” “I would never want to fight such a person!”
Achilles looked at the child from his horse; “And that is why no one will remember your name”